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Life is a scam

 

When you’re a kid you imagine how life would be as an adult.

As an adult you can start making money, you can vote, you can drink…

It seems that being an adult is awesome and it truly is but there’s load of stuff that no one prepared you for.

 

Authority

 

When you are young adults impose figures of authority.

On day, when you grow up, you find yourself eating healthy, controlling your emotions and being extremely nice to everyone for no reason.

You discover yourself being a good person just because you’re conditioned from childhood to be that way.

You respect people; you listen to others, and you help strangers in the street for no reason.

As adults we got stuck in patterns, patterns of Thank you, Please, I’m fine, You go first, As you prefer, If you like it that way is fine to me…

We constantly seek approval.

 

Time

 

When I was a kid the Beatles were always playing as background music in my house.

No matter what we were doing, there were the Beatles there also.

A fact of growing up is that you lose time.

 

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You work, you visit people, you exercise, you pay bills, you go shopping, you organize your clothes, and sometimes you forget to spend you precious seconds of life listening to cool music.

The music that makes you think of fun and awesome times, the music that you used to listen with your parents and friends when all the time was about being fun and awesome.

 

Food

 

As a kid you take food for granted without never imagine the horror of grocery shopping or if you forget it, the horror of calling the delivery every single night.

From the outside, having dinner could appear as incredibly easy but is not.

Every night you arrive home wishing not to be hungry simply to avoid dealing with the food dilemma.

You buy food and eat it, yes sounds easy but when you’re the one doing it, it’s so much worse.

Should I prepare something? Should I go to my neighbor place and eat their food? Should I call the delivery?

A meal is not worth so many questions.

And that’s one of the main reasons adults are fit.

We don’t like to think, we skip meals.

Life is all about increasingly skip meals until one day we are so weak that we end up dying.

 

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Top 2014 luxury cars

 

Mercedes-Benz C-Class

The C-Class has gone in for a thorough interior makeover in the past years, receiving a fresh dashboard look with up to date technology.

The old base V6 engine has been ditched in favor of a turbocharged 1.8 liter 4 cylinder that gets 31 miles per gallon on the highway.

Plus, the C-Class is offered as a sleek coupe as well as a sedan.

 

Cadillac ATS

The rear wheel drive ATS sport sedan is only entry level in its compact size.

 

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ATS stands out for its impressive interior quality, exceptionally sharp styling and cutting edge CUE system, which turns the center stack into a touch based infotainment center.

Whether you choose the sensible 2.5-liter 4-cylinder, the strong and fuel-efficient turbo 4-cylinder or the burly 3.6-liter V6, the ATS will deliver a comprehensive luxury experience.

 

Lincoln MKZ

Lincoln has gone to great lengths to improve its products over the past few years and the Fusion-based MKZ is a case in point.

The MKZ starts with Ford’s EcoBoost turbocharged 2.0-liter 4-cylinder, a sprightly 240-hp motor that’s only offered on top-of-the-line Fusion models, while the exclusive 3.7-liter V6 option packs a healthy 300 hp.

The turbo returns 33 mpg on the highway, too.

If that’s not enough, the Hybrid model borrows the Fusion Hybrid’s fuel-sipping 4-cylinder powertrain for an incredible 45 mpg.

 

Lexus IS

All new for 2014, the nimble rear wheel drive based IS clearly isn’t a wallflower anymore.

Sleek and muscular, the IS was definitely designed to turn heads, particularly with the F Sport model’s unique wheels and grille.
Fortunately, those sporty looks are matched by the way the IS drives.
The sublime front bucket seats make you feel like you’re driving a sports car, and if you go for the IS 350 with its 306-hp V6, you’ll have the acceleration to match.

 

 BMW 3 Series

The 3 Series seems to have matured with its latest design.

Formerly focused on snug dimensions and taut performance, the 3 Series is larger and more accommodating now.

Like the IS, it can carry four adults in comfort, and the cabin is airier and more upscale but the 3 Series hasn’t lost the plot in the engine room, as even the mainstream 328i comes with an excellent turbocharged 4 cylinder rated at 240 hp and 33 mpg.

The 3 Series also offers a rare wagon variant, and keep an eye out for the even more affordable 2014 320i sedan with 180 hp, as well as the desirable 328d turbodiesel sedan and wagon.

 

 

 

 

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Tour de France is not a sport

 

Generally speaking I enjoy watching sports because I like to see my team winning.

The exception to this rule is the Tour de France.

I follow this event every single year to see people lose.

The victories in this long race are never as gratifying to witness as failures.

News recaps each night don’t concentrate on stage winners or team tactics, they stick to the crashes, the allegations of cheating and all the riders’ temper explosions.

Even if your interest in sports is very little, you will enjoy the Tour de France.

We watch it to see how it goes wrong, and Tour de France goes wrong all the time in every direction.

 

Drugs

 

Baseball and basketball can take a nap knowing that even with all the drugs allegations, they will never go as low as cycling.

Drug use is profuse in the Tour de France.

 

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Each year scandals overshadow the event as riders are kicked out for failing drug tests.

Then they accuse other riders and the controversy starts to get lot more coverage than the cycling itself.

And that is what we enjoy.

But drugs are not the only cheating method they use.

The racers do blood doping.

That involves a transfusion of blood rich in red blood cells either from a donor or from the racer himself, so that the blood oxygenates better while riding.

Lance Armstrong was accused by former teammates of blood doping.

 

Fights

 

Drug abuse is intrinsic to cycling and the constant accusations among rival riders and even teammates leads to a lot more fight that any other sport.

Professional cyclists hate each other and when they’re not busy hating each other, they hate microphones and cameras and race officials.

There is so much outspoken animosity among riders in the Tour de France that calling it a rivalry sounds too benevolent.

 

Crashes

 

Just like a game of Mario Kart, it doesn’t matter how phenomenal a racer is in the Tour de France, objects in the road are always the great equalizer.

Crashes on the Tour can be career-ending and the fault can lie with something as simple as a Coke bottle.

With consequences that high, accidents are the most memorable parts of every Tour de France.

The irony is that sometimes the media coverage is exactly what causes the accidents.

Biking is boring to watch unless there is a threat of mortal peril.

The Tour de France offers that perpetual threat around every turn.

 

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You are not trendy, you are sick

 

There was a time in history where people didn’t want to have diseases.

In the past it was considered cool to be healthy.

Now time has changed and being normal is a label for people to make fun of.

 

Asperger

 

Asperger’s is a type of autism.

It’s a lifelong challenge for people who have it and also a great opportunity for lazy people with bad social skills to excuse themselves.

 

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Asperger’s needs to be diagnosed by a doctor but today there are lots of people that just Google

their awkward manners and auto diagnose with it.

They self-indulge that way.

Being unsocial is not their fault anymore, they are sick now.

No one can blame you and tell you how rude you are because poor thing, you have a condition.

Also, since there is no cure for Asperger’s people can’t make you do anything about it.

 

Bipolar

 

Bipolar disorder is a serial mental illness but for some reason today anyone with mood swings self-diagnose with it.

Sometimes I’m happy and sometimes I’m sad, I’m bipolar.

Dude, you are not bipolar, you just need to exercise some self-control like we all do.

Of course it is easier to say you’re bipolar so people will give you sympathy and pity because your struggles are way beyond what normal people have to go through.

They’ll also encourage you to seek professional help, but you won’t go because if you go to see a therapist he will tell you that you are not bipolar and as the rest of humanity you just need to manage your emotions.

Yes, every single person sometimes is happy and sometimes is sad.

 

Gluten Intolerance

 

All of the sudden, it seems like nobody can tolerate gluten anymore.

Apparently since a couple of years, gluten becomes some kind of horrible poison.

Every single food is now being served in a gluten-free version.

The real fact is that gluten can give diarrhea to less than one percent of the population who have celiac disease.

Beyond people with celiac disease, gluten won’t give you anything.

But it seems to be so trendy say ‘I can’t eat gluten’ that suddenly millions of people discover they are intolerant to it.

Maybe you can try removing gluten from your diets to prevent symptoms of other diseases, like Asperger’s.

 

 

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Real woman vs. Porn actress

 

Porn sex is one way that real sex can be done and for some couples, it is the same as their sex life.

But is not the usual.

Most people aren’t as flexible as they are in porn,

And is not that real woman don’t enjoy sex but they need a little more effort than porn actresses to succeed.

In porn women reach great orgasms by going from 0 to full penetration.

 

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That is a little far from reality.

If you don’t turn on the lady, she won’t be able to have a great time at all.

You wouldn’t notice because, you know, they fake.

Real woman love to make out before sex, it’s almost a requirement for them to reach the sexual climax.

Another tiny difference is the way porn actresses shave their parts.

No real woman is as hairless as they are.

Even though is true that the size matter, the reaction is quite the opposite between a porn star and a regular woman.

The porn star go all like ‘Oh my Godd, I love it!’

While a real person facing that monster will only wonder how not to shed a tear.

Even blowjobs are different.

In porn the ladies prefer that part, they actually stay down there for hours.

Real woman usually go read Yahoo Answers before a bootie call.

Anal sex is the real thing.

For porn stars is what they seem to enjoy the most, is like the sex got really intense and the sense of satisfaction back there is colossal.

Real woman just agree to do anal because they like the other person, it is more like a concession not as personal enjoyment.

And last but not least, orgasms.

The volume of orgasms in porn movies would ban all kind of sexual activity in almost any neighborhood I’ve ever lived.

They immediately fake those unnaturally deep orgasms and shout loud enough that nobody will be able to tell if they are actually enjoying or being eaten by a hunger lion.

Real woman makes different faces, some eye contact and kiss you in the cheek.

 

 

 

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Don’t let internet reunite what life separated

 

The other day I received an email inviting me to my high school class reunion party.

Dear Lord.

Let me tell you something, if I want you in my life, you are already there.

I remember my high school as great years.

Years filled with friends and joy.

 

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After graduation I decided to keep in touch with 5% of them and the rest to never speak ever again.

For me is the same if they moved to an Amish community or if they are running for President.

I decided them to be in my past.

So why would I go to a party with people I enjoyed during years and then deliberately removed from your life?

Trust me I’m smart enough to assure you that if I wanted to, I could find you.

There’s only one thing that could get me to go to my high school reunion party and it’s an ideal that can never be achieved.

My initial thoughts were that before I could go, I would need to reach a level of success that would be absolutely devastating to everyone there I hated.

And the more I thought about it I realized that there was no level of accomplishment that would be enough because the measure of success is a personal one.

Life for me has been a journey to a place where the people get my jokes and make me laugh.

Each year I keep getting closer.

Going to a reunion wouldn’t necessarily take me in the opposite direction but it’s a detour I don’t need.

 

 

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Happy couples

All the cheap talk about relationships intellectuals give on TV or the internet is pure ornamental.

Saving or maintaining a relationship is all about recognizing the most romantic solution possible and do exactly the opposite.

 

Don’t spend time together

 

It may sound very obvious but there are lots of couples that make this mistake.

It is pretty clear that to keep a couple alive in the long term you need to enjoy the fun time separate.

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Especially when it involves a hobby that one partner really likes.

The absolute worst thing you can do to another human being is to force him to engage in an activity he doesn’t enjoy.

 

Sleep apart

 

In some small minds, sleeping apart means unhappy relationship.

In real life, sleeping apart from your significant other every night on purpose is the best you can do for the relationship.

A huge part of your success in life depends on how much and how well you sleep.

Well, there is almost no way those slumber hours are going to be improved on by adding another person into the mix.

On average, people are woken up six times a night by their partner.

Hogging the sheets, rolling over, legs movements, sweats and night terrors are just a few examples of things that ruin the quality of our rest night after night.

 

Marry someone ugly or stupid

 

The happiest and most successful relationships are between people with a huge number of similarities.

However, there seems to be two very big exceptions.

People want to hook up with someone who is both less smart and uglier than you.

Lowering your standards will make you much happier in the long run.

In other words, uglier lovers last longer.

Researchers also found that to fit the ideal marriage formula, the wife should be smarter than her husband.

 

Lie

 

Having an altered vision about your significant other is the most important ingredient in a couple.

You need to be able to delude yourself.

Make all necessary efforts to end up seeing your couple as perfect, even when deeply inside you may know is ugly and stupid.

That my friends, is the secret to lifelong happiness.

 

 

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Cool people do Meth

Some of you read about how meth must be some bad habit but the results in users are pretty awesome.

I live in an environment where meth is the common hobby.

Most people around me do meth so I have a great insight about it wonderful side effects.

 

Personality

 

Let’s say that somebody is socially awkward, the kind of person who couldn’t bring to say ‘hello’ around a group of unknown people.

Meth changes all that, it eliminates shyness.

 

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And people love being around a person who speak off and fills in every millisecond of silence with rapidly spoken words.

Today for example my friend Bill talked to me about the movie Frozen for three and a half hours.

The movie itself is 98 minutes so it would have actually been more efficient for him to perform the movie for me.

 

Knowledge

 

Doing meth turns you into almost a chemical engineer.

To do meth you don’t have to depend on Colombia or even try to find illegal plants to cultivate.

You can make it at home.

The line between user and producer doesn’t exist.

Another great result of meth use is the knowledge you gain in chemicals.

 

Body shape

 

Losing weight was never so easy.

Meth is a truly weight-loss substance.

The secret is that it gives you an unnatural amount of energy so on top of the metabolism being skyrocketed into deity level, everything you do is performed three times faster than normal.

Since it produces so much energy, the body thinks that it’s been fed, so it stops sending out those annoying signals telling you to eat.

Methamphetamines cause fat to rapidly eliminate from the body.

Yeah. If you want to be sexy and skinny, you know what to do.

 

 

 

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Vladimir Putin, a real life superhero

Vladimir Putin is what happens when James Bond gets one of his villains pregnant and the child grows up.

Putin is the good and bad guys combined so that the morality cancels out and you’re left with the best part of a Hollywood movie: a real life superhero.

ages, signed bills mandating increased wages for teachers and nurses, and his approval rating is so constantly, ridiculously high, he’s the only world leader reviewed by IGN. Either he is ruthlessly exploiting the media or he is a real-life action hero of such colossal scope that any movie starring him would seem absurd.

 

Fire Fighting

 

Last year when fire devastated a complete Russian region, Putin didn’t appear in front of a camera to talk like most Presidents do.

 

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He took the natural disaster as something personal and piloted a fire fighting plane himself to help beating the fire.

He acted as Captain Planet’s would do.

Flying a plane filled with water was just the natural thing to do for the super Putin.

 

Wild

 

Las year also, Putin visited a national park to see a trapped tiger.

After his visit the adjective trapped suddenly no longer applied to the tiger.

Putin scooped up a tranquilizer pistol, dropped the tiger and, as if just downing a man eating predator wasn’t enough, he helped measure its teeth.

More countries need to be in the capable hands of a man who defeats tigers.

 

Martial art

 

On a recent official visit to Japan Vladimir took time out from political meetings to show off his Judo skills.

Putin demonstrated his willingness to take on any nation at its own sport.

He suited up and showed everyone his version of various sweeps and throws on the center Kodokan instructor in a sparring match.

While Qaddafi and Obama has to pay foreigners to fight his own people, you get the impression that if the Russian public ever rebelled Putin would roll up his sleeves and give the army the day off.

Actually in Russia the word Putin also means Judo.

 

Internet

 

Putin also knows exactly what succeeds online.

Instead of posting deeply boring social debates on the web, Vladimir asked on his facebook how to name his puppy.

He personally read every single name suggestion and invited the five year old Moscow boy Dima Sokolov who suggested the name, to meet him and the Puppy.

To give you an idea of what that means for a Russian boy in occidental terms it would be like meeting Jesus and RoboCop at the same time.

 

 

 

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I rather die

 

Doctors and commercials don’t tell you about the side effects of the prescription.

Have you ever read the side effects of any medicine before taking it?

Last night I read the side effect of my anti-allergy pill and I’m convinced that it cause me more sickness than what it actually cure.

The leaflet says ‘This medicine may cause nausea, dry mouth, headache, dizziness, drowsiness, excitability, loss of motor function, irregular heartbeat, tingling sensations in the chest and sinuses’.

Instead of spend lots of money on drugs and alcohol you may take advantage of common medicines side effects.

 

Ambien

Though doctors classify Ambien as a sedative many people claim that it has led them to some of the most amazingly zombie experiences of their lives.

Entire message boards are dedicated to telling stories about the wild night’s people have while taking Ambien.

 

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A study proves that Ambien makes people do a variety of things in their sleep.

People dance, sing, play games and even have sex under the sedative effect and then, they don’t remember anything afterward.

What this medication basically does is stimulate the side of your brain that makes you awesome.

 

Antibiotics

 

If you’ve never had an infection, consider yourself lucky.

The main symptom of an infection are smelling urine, the urge to constantly pee and a burning pain in your wee wee while doing it.

Taking antibiotics is like having the alien instead of genitals.

Doctors prescribe antibiotics to clear up the infection but they forget about the pain while the antibiotics do their work.

While taking antibiotics I strongly recommend not to eat something acid or spicy.

You can imagine why.

 

Viagra

 

Everybody jokes about side effect of Viagra as it was a five hour boner or something similar.

The side effect of taking the blue pill is actually becomes a blue creature.

If you sexual fantasy is about bang Smurfette then probably Viagra will work for you.

A study held with 69 patients who take Viagra, shows that their skin start turning into light blue.

One of the patients even claimed that he would give up all the sex in the world to be able to be white again.

Maybe that was indicative of a second Viagra side effect: not being able to set up priorities.

 

 

 

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