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 The New Yorker   

 

 

Office war starters

 

I’m a writer so I don’t need to wake up every morning and drag myself to an office like some of you.

My working days are spent laid on my couch listening to music and writing articles.

But I have lovely memories of my days at an office; I clearly remember all of the little actions that I wouldn’t believe can escalate into almost a war.

 

Coffee

 

Almost every office has a coffee vendor machine and we have two teams; the ones who like their coffee strong and the crowd that prefers a more civilized brew that tastes less robust and doesn’t mimic the effects of methamphetamine in your body and mind.

One thing both groups agree is that the other crowd is completely wrong.

This seems like a trivial matter but keep in mind that caffeine is a drug.

Toying with the influx of caffeine into a person’s bloodstream is inevitably going to end in the closest approximation of a Breaking Bad episode you’ll ever get.

 

Bring and share

When it comes time to celebrate some businesses opt to do so in a way that requires everybody to bring some food to share.

One of the more common solutions is to hold a potluck, where all the weirdos you never even say hello bring a homemade casserole and expect you to eat it.

Office potluck fragment people into three groups: the people who care and bring something, the people who forget they’re supposed to bring something and grab at snack at the store and the people who bring nothing and eat anyway.

Those bastards are away from the game, nobody likes them anyway.

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The real tension rises between the people who bring something without putting thought into it and the people who act as if a potluck is the opportunity to be shown by others as President of cooking nation and put more effort cooking that they do at their job.

 

Air conditioning

The office thermostat might be compared to that comically large red button that sets off a nuclear war in movies.

Take a quick trip to the thermostats in your office and you’ll notice that almost everyone has a yellow post-it or a gigantic note with the delicate message DO NOT TOUCH!!!!!

What I noticed that usually happens is that the room that holds the thermostat features a radically different climate from the rest of the building.

The thermostat might claim that the temperature in the building is 72 degrees but for some reason in that particular room it’s warm as rainforest.

What we do then is leaving that space without anyone’s desk hoping for the best.

Of course that’s never the case and we immediately start using it for meetings so a variety of people are continuously going in and out from that little room.

Those people don’t want to conduct their meetings in the Amazonia so they turn the thermostat a little down.

They then carry on the meeting in a comfortable environment while everyone else enters in the next ice age.

 

….

the world must know the truth!

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Office war starters
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Office war starters
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Office war starters. Little pretty details that start battles in every workplace
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