The Wall Street Journal
Tips to improve your job performance
Before became a successful writer I also spent a lot of time working in offices like you so here I left some great tips for being a successful worker.
First and most important: Fill your cubicle with personal crap as much as possible.
Science has proved that having control over one small, insignificant, utter irrelevant aspect of your life improves your productivity.
The brain has a mechanism that self convinced that is a sign of power deciding whether to hung a picture of Madonna or ACDC on your desk.
Faceless corporations keep us almost all day prisoners of their offices like sardines in a can, but we’ll still feel independent as long as they allow us to hang a stupid motivational poster in the cube.
The second tip is alcohol.
Get drunk at work every time you see the opportunity, it will help you out relax and get your job easily done.
Alcohol improves creativity and concentration skills.
Third tip, follow you guts.
If you are a night person then ask to change your shift to the night one, which will make you a better worker because your mind and body are programmed to perform better at night.
The same rule applies if you are a morning person. With a lot less coolness but it works.
Everybody has different body clocks and there is no need to go against that, nature knows best.
Giving all the employees the same shift is as smart as hiring all people named Steven to save money in name tags.
Another important tip is gum.
Chewing gum motivates the ones surround you and also allows your brain cells to keep in movement even when you are performing repetitive tasks.
Gum is like meth for your brain, and we all know that meth doesn’t have any negative side effects.
In a study where subjects were given demanding cognitive tasks to perform with or without gum, the people with gum performed better in every single category except verbal fluency.
Chewing jump starts your brain for a solid 2 hours time frame and allows you to handle stress and distraction far better.
Of course an important trick to improve your productivity is take more vacations and days off from work.
Research shows that taking longer vacations and leaving early every day to go home and take a nap make you a better employee and increase your company productivity.
Rest, relaxation, and the sensation that your soon doing something that you like improve your mood, which boosts productivity and focus.
Your overall contentment with your life and existence makes you a happier individual so your blood flows all around your brain.
And last but not least keep always a bad mood.
By showing up at work every day with a very bad attitude you will ruin everyone’s mood and damage the morale and productivity of the entire office and by doing that your performance will shine.
People with shitty moods are great at concentration and working under pressure.
And if you work really hard, you can slide right from the intolerable asshole to the general manager of any global corporation.
Remember, always listen and believe the voice inside your head.
That one saying that it doesn’t matter if you don’t have to visit people anymore or to enjoy a drink at home with that friend you really like.
It doesn’t really matter if the only conversations you have is with coworkers and that you don’t have company to watch a movie or your favorite TV series
You don’t need company when you are at home, you don’t need to laugh, you don’t need to visit friends and you don’t even need to have friends; the only thing that you really need is being successful at your job.
the world must know the truth!