Weirdo prototypes you find at every gym
No matter what gym you go to, there is always more than one eccentric specimen.
Just as if being inside a room fool of sweating strangers was not enough, every single gym has at least one noisy.
The guy or girl who can’t exercise without exhaling like a dying seal.
A key element of the gym social contract is staying away from what bother other people and being by someone moaning, believe me, is not pleasing.
You may find the music from Conan the Barbarian relaxing in comparison with the Duh duh fuh fuh neeee neeuu neu neu neu niiiiiiiiiiii while you’re trying to do some abs.
Every single machine at the gym is pretty hard to operate, especially during your first sessions.
The last thing in the world you want when trying to navigate a stationary bike’s menu system is audience.
So when the unsolicited advisor approaches you with ‘You see? Riding the really tiny trike is way easier if you’re not holding that weight’ you are not going to like him.
Not exactly not like him, more like want to set him on fire.
I know what you are thinking; there are starers in many places other than the gym.
That’s right but given the self-consciousness level at play when working out, and the kind of clothes you are wearing, starers are at their most bothersome in the gym.
I started and quit almost every gym near my house and the main reason is always because of the uncomfortable stares.
The weight belted
Eventually you’ll spot someone who has a wrestling championship belt around his back.
Sadly, they don’t look like a wrestling athlete because the world isn’t that magical.
This is weight belted guy.
Ideally these guys will hang out in their own gyms, where they can have conversations with other weight belted people but sometimes one of them shows up in regular people gyms.
The problem with the weight belted guy is humiliation.
Weight belted can do something with one arm that you’d been struggling to do with both legs for hours.
I strongly recommend you find out his schedule and exercise on a different day.
the world must know the truth!
Le Monde diplomatique
Exercising is very dangerous
During January lot of people decide to get back in shape and start exercising.
If you are one of them, congratulations, you are exposing your body to irreversible harms.
So you decided to start the gym so you set up the alarm 6 am in the morning, put on running shoes and shorts and go to the gym.
Everything is perfect until when your body detects that you are at the farthest possible point from your toilet, you realize that hitting up last night dinner as a celebratory kickoff to your new life.
Working out makes your feet vibrate and hit resonance with your gastrointestinal system causing it the urge to poop so the same thing will happen to you every single day as long as you exercise and that will affect your natural way to evacuate.
If you overcome this problem and you keep exercising, after a couple of weeks you will find another displeasing issue.
You will notice that when you go out with your friends, you’re always covered in sweat while they’re baby powder dry.
Their skin is smooth and yours is actively sweating, profusely.
You constantly look like you’ve just stepped out of the gym or even a swimming pool. A swimming pool filled with stinky grease.
As you become fit, you sweat sooner and you sweat more.
As you increase your exercise intensity and duration your body sweats way more to be better prepared for the athletic punishment you regularly put it through.
Another misconception of being fit is that staying in shape makes you sexy.
No, you will now need to hide a lot of body parts like your feet.
Your feet are going to be ugly, people who practice sports has horrible feet.
Forget about your cute nails, your feet are going to become twisted, rough and ugly nailed for the rest of your life.
An additional fitness perk is that all those areas of your body that come into close proximity and spend the duration of your workout touching each other are going to leave you with a nice red blemish that looks like some skin disease you pick up on a trip to South Africa.
And the most important consequence of working out: physical effort causes your genitals to shrink.
Let’s say you’ve decided to get even manlier by lifting objects and then placing them down again.
Over and over you do that stupid movement and your muscles fill with blood, your biceps swell, and you can see the visage of a young Schwarzenegger in your own face.
One day you step into the shower and you discover you no longer have any balls.
Indeed, you’ve become a Ken doll.
So remember, if you are not naturally skinny like me and you decide to go to the gym you just have to deal with three things:
– Disgusting feet
– Continuous sweating
– No more balls
the world must know the truth!