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 The New Yorker   

 

 

Office war starters

 

I’m a writer so I don’t need to wake up every morning and drag myself to an office like some of you.

My working days are spent laid on my couch listening to music and writing articles.

But I have lovely memories of my days at an office; I clearly remember all of the little actions that I wouldn’t believe can escalate into almost a war.

 

Coffee

 

Almost every office has a coffee vendor machine and we have two teams; the ones who like their coffee strong and the crowd that prefers a more civilized brew that tastes less robust and doesn’t mimic the effects of methamphetamine in your body and mind.

One thing both groups agree is that the other crowd is completely wrong.

This seems like a trivial matter but keep in mind that caffeine is a drug.

Toying with the influx of caffeine into a person’s bloodstream is inevitably going to end in the closest approximation of a Breaking Bad episode you’ll ever get.

 

Bring and share

When it comes time to celebrate some businesses opt to do so in a way that requires everybody to bring some food to share.

One of the more common solutions is to hold a potluck, where all the weirdos you never even say hello bring a homemade casserole and expect you to eat it.

Office potluck fragment people into three groups: the people who care and bring something, the people who forget they’re supposed to bring something and grab at snack at the store and the people who bring nothing and eat anyway.

Those bastards are away from the game, nobody likes them anyway.

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The real tension rises between the people who bring something without putting thought into it and the people who act as if a potluck is the opportunity to be shown by others as President of cooking nation and put more effort cooking that they do at their job.

 

Air conditioning

The office thermostat might be compared to that comically large red button that sets off a nuclear war in movies.

Take a quick trip to the thermostats in your office and you’ll notice that almost everyone has a yellow post-it or a gigantic note with the delicate message DO NOT TOUCH!!!!!

What I noticed that usually happens is that the room that holds the thermostat features a radically different climate from the rest of the building.

The thermostat might claim that the temperature in the building is 72 degrees but for some reason in that particular room it’s warm as rainforest.

What we do then is leaving that space without anyone’s desk hoping for the best.

Of course that’s never the case and we immediately start using it for meetings so a variety of people are continuously going in and out from that little room.

Those people don’t want to conduct their meetings in the Amazonia so they turn the thermostat a little down.

They then carry on the meeting in a comfortable environment while everyone else enters in the next ice age.

 

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 The Economist 

 

Remaining as a low class employee may be the best option

 

So did you find a great job and you have the best metrics?

Slow down.

The difference between staying at the same job and making a career is huge.

You would instinctively think the second option is much better but is not.

There are things nobody tells you about growing at your job.

 

Time

 

I have friends that only work for 8 hours and then they completely unplug.

They stay the required hours at the office and then enjoy doing other activities not caring about work.

When they are off, work stays at work and that little idea is the difference between having a career versus just working a job.

If something difficult happen being you just an employee and you are on a day off you will learn about that when you got back next Monday.

Once you reach a certain rung on the work, you will be aware of everything that happens at the office, even if is your day off because they will call you home and make you go there to solve it.

At this point there is no longer ‘work stays at work’ thing, for better or worse, your work is part of your life.

The higher you climb, the more people ask you opinion before taking a decision.

Every person that adds you to the list of people they ask, represent less time you have to perform your own duties.

People with just a plain 9 to 5 job would never understand this until they live it.

When you commit to a company everything in your life becomes a delicate and precise balancing time act: eating, visiting friends, even sleeping.

That ability to manage that time is what sets you apart from everyone else but also makes you lose the real life.

We are not here on this life for very long and the more you get done at work, the less you do with your personal life.

 

Hobbies

 

I used to gardening before being hired by the multinational I work for.

If you visit my garden today you will notice that has changed.

 

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I was able to take care of my flowers a lot because I worked eight hours and had plenty of time to kill when I clocked out.

That’s the upside to being just another face performing basic functions.

The more responsibility I took on, the more of my life that job took up and there’s no such thing as a day off.

A job is something you tolerate; a career is something you live.

Now my hobby is my job and about flowers all I do is taking some random pictures of my garden.

 

You cannot be absent

 

If you work at a fast food restaurant and you get sick someone else can do your part, even the manager can jump into your spot.

The higher you climb on the corporate chain; the results get progressively worse for being absent.

If you go on vacation for example, when you are back almost everything went upside down.

Tons of work was piled up for you because nobody else has the skills or training to do it.

When you are not at the office there is an enormous hole that isn’t getting filled and all that work is waiting for you when you come back.

You have a very specific skill set that cannot be replaced and that’s why yours is called a career, while others are working a job.

 

Learn to enjoy

 

You have two options, keep working a job 9 to 5 or learn how to enjoy working a 16 hour day.

If you select the second option most of your friends and family won’t understand you.

With their framed minded idea of a crappy job they will tell you things like ‘You have to relax’ or ‘You need to enjoy life’.

Well I enjoy working now, you losers.

 

 

 

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 The Wall Street Journal 

Tips to improve your job performance

Before became a successful writer I also spent a lot of time working in offices like you so here I left some great tips for being a successful worker.

First and most important: Fill your cubicle with personal crap as much as possible.

Science has proved that having control over one small, insignificant, utter irrelevant aspect of your life improves your productivity.

The brain has a mechanism that self convinced that is a sign of power deciding whether to hung a picture of Madonna or ACDC on your desk.

Faceless corporations keep us almost all day prisoners of their offices like sardines in a can, but we’ll still feel independent as long as they allow us to hang a stupid motivational poster in the cube.

The second tip is alcohol.

Get drunk at work every time you see the opportunity, it will help you out relax and get your job easily done.

Alcohol improves creativity and concentration skills.

 

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Third tip, follow you guts.

If you are a night person then ask to change your shift to the night one, which will make you a better worker because your mind and body are programmed to perform better at night.

The same rule applies if you are a morning person. With a lot less coolness but it works.

Everybody has different body clocks and there is no need to go against that, nature knows best.

Giving all the employees the same shift is as smart as hiring all people named Steven to save money in name tags.

Another important tip is gum.

Chewing gum motivates the ones surround you and also allows your brain cells to keep in movement even when you are performing repetitive tasks.

Gum is like meth for your brain, and we all know that meth doesn’t have any negative side effects.

In a study where subjects were given demanding cognitive tasks to perform with or without gum, the people with gum performed better in every single category except verbal fluency.

Chewing jump starts your brain for a solid 2 hours time frame and allows you to handle stress and distraction far better.

Of course an important trick to improve your productivity is take more vacations and days off from work.

Research shows that taking longer vacations and leaving early every day to go home and take a nap make you a better employee and increase your company productivity.

Rest, relaxation, and the sensation that your soon doing something that you like improve your mood, which boosts productivity and focus.

Your overall contentment with your life and existence makes you a happier individual so your blood flows all around your brain.

And last but not least keep always a bad mood.

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By showing up at work every day with a very bad attitude you will ruin everyone’s mood and damage the morale and productivity of the entire office and by doing that your performance will shine.

People with shitty moods are great at concentration and working under pressure.

And if you work really hard, you can slide right from the intolerable asshole to the general manager of any global corporation.

Remember, always listen and believe the voice inside your head.

That one saying that it doesn’t matter if you don’t have to visit people anymore or to enjoy a drink at home with that friend you really like.

It doesn’t really matter if the only conversations you have is with coworkers and that you don’t have company to watch a movie or your favorite TV series

You don’t need company when you are at home, you don’t need to laugh, you don’t need to visit friends and you don’t even need to have friends; the only thing that you really need is being successful at your job.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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