Sports Illustrated Magazine
Olympic Winter Games
At my office we are forced to watch the Winter Olympics.
It’s not that they really force us but more like they coincidentally installed the TVs by the beginning of the Games, tuned on ESPN and nobody changed the channel ever since.
I can’t help but feeling sad thinking that all those withies spend their lives devoted to weird sports just for this one moment at the Olympics.
If the slightest thing goes wrong their whole existence goes straight down the drain.
And even if everything goes right and they win, nobody would actually care either.
I’ve decided to combine the luge and the skeleton into one entry because for me, they’re the same event.
The only real difference is with the skeleton you lay on your stomach and with the luge you lay on your back.
Skeleton is the gay man’s luge and luge is also the gay man’s luge.
The luge it’s just a person sliding around with an ice skate blade attached to their back.
And that’s awesome because all of us can watch it and say ‘Yes, I could be an Olympic athlete too’.
There is literally no talent required other than the willingness to pour yourself into a latex suit and toboggan.
And you know who can do that? Everybody.
When I mention figure skating I’m referring to women’s figure skating.
Men’s figure skating is an abomination that should be discarded from the public eye.
But that’s just a matter of time so let’s talk about women’s figure skating.
There is nowhere you can see more people hopes and dreams go down in flames like watching women’s figure skating.
These ladies spend their lives preparing for this one moment, they moved 800 miles away from home to be closer to the best coaches who can train them and then at that very moment, with only a one millisecond miscalculation they fall in the ice and ends with all their parents, friends and fellow citizens expectations.
If we talk about destroying life hopes and dreams, there is no place in Earth that has more of that per capita than a Winter Olympic figure skating event.
Biathlon is like the Danger Mouse of Olympic events.
This event is about rifles and cross country skiing, together.
I can’t help but imagine if the 1500 meter run during the normal Olympics was interrupted every 50 meters so the runners could break out firearms and start shooting.
I wrote this article only to reach this moment.
Has anyone on ever actually watched a curling match on purpose?
Yeah, I don’t think so either.
I had to even check on Wikipedia to understand the rules because as I mentioned earlier at my job we are required to watch the Winter Olympics.
Googling curling worked out fine because according to Wikipedia curling is awesome.
Check it out what it says.
‘A great deal of strategy and teamwork choosing the ideal path and placement of a stone for each situation, the skills of the curlers determine how close to the desired result the stone will achieve.
Curling is like Chess on ice’.
Curling is something (note I wrote something because I refuse to call it sport) that revolved around people screaming while wearing children’s roller shoes and furiously shaking brooms around a rock.
Sorry Wikipedia, this is not Chess on ice.
the world must know the truth!