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Tour de France is not a sport

 

Generally speaking I enjoy watching sports because I like to see my team winning.

The exception to this rule is the Tour de France.

I follow this event every single year to see people lose.

The victories in this long race are never as gratifying to witness as failures.

News recaps each night don’t concentrate on stage winners or team tactics, they stick to the crashes, the allegations of cheating and all the riders’ temper explosions.

Even if your interest in sports is very little, you will enjoy the Tour de France.

We watch it to see how it goes wrong, and Tour de France goes wrong all the time in every direction.

 

Drugs

 

Baseball and basketball can take a nap knowing that even with all the drugs allegations, they will never go as low as cycling.

Drug use is profuse in the Tour de France.

 

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Each year scandals overshadow the event as riders are kicked out for failing drug tests.

Then they accuse other riders and the controversy starts to get lot more coverage than the cycling itself.

And that is what we enjoy.

But drugs are not the only cheating method they use.

The racers do blood doping.

That involves a transfusion of blood rich in red blood cells either from a donor or from the racer himself, so that the blood oxygenates better while riding.

Lance Armstrong was accused by former teammates of blood doping.

 

Fights

 

Drug abuse is intrinsic to cycling and the constant accusations among rival riders and even teammates leads to a lot more fight that any other sport.

Professional cyclists hate each other and when they’re not busy hating each other, they hate microphones and cameras and race officials.

There is so much outspoken animosity among riders in the Tour de France that calling it a rivalry sounds too benevolent.

 

Crashes

 

Just like a game of Mario Kart, it doesn’t matter how phenomenal a racer is in the Tour de France, objects in the road are always the great equalizer.

Crashes on the Tour can be career-ending and the fault can lie with something as simple as a Coke bottle.

With consequences that high, accidents are the most memorable parts of every Tour de France.

The irony is that sometimes the media coverage is exactly what causes the accidents.

Biking is boring to watch unless there is a threat of mortal peril.

The Tour de France offers that perpetual threat around every turn.

 

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the world must know the truth!

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 Sports Illustrated Magazine 

 

Olympic Winter Games

 

At my office we are forced to watch the Winter Olympics.

It’s not that they really force us but more like they coincidentally installed the TVs by the beginning of the Games, tuned on ESPN and nobody changed the channel ever since.

I can’t help but feeling sad thinking that all those withies spend their lives devoted to weird sports just for this one moment at the Olympics.

If the slightest thing goes wrong their whole existence goes straight down the drain.

And even if everything goes right and they win, nobody would actually care either.

 

Luge skeleton

 

I’ve decided to combine the luge and the skeleton into one entry because for me, they’re the same event.

The only real difference is with the skeleton you lay on your stomach and with the luge you lay on your back.

Skeleton is the gay man’s luge and luge is also the gay man’s luge.

The luge it’s just a person sliding around with an ice skate blade attached to their back.

And that’s awesome because all of us can watch it and say ‘Yes, I could be an Olympic athlete too’.

There is literally no talent required other than the willingness to pour yourself into a latex suit and toboggan.

And you know who can do that? Everybody.

 

Figure Skating

 

When I mention figure skating I’m referring to women’s figure skating.

 

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Men’s figure skating is an abomination that should be discarded from the public eye.

But that’s just a matter of time so let’s talk about women’s figure skating.

There is nowhere you can see more people hopes and dreams go down in flames like watching women’s figure skating.

These ladies spend their lives preparing for this one moment, they moved 800 miles away from home to be closer to the best coaches who can train them and then at that very moment, with only a one millisecond miscalculation they fall in the ice and ends with all their parents, friends and fellow citizens expectations.

If we talk about destroying life hopes and dreams, there is no place in Earth that has more of that per capita than a Winter Olympic figure skating event.

 

Biathlon

 

Biathlon is like the Danger Mouse of Olympic events.

This event is about rifles and cross country skiing, together.

I can’t help but imagine if the 1500 meter run during the normal Olympics was interrupted every 50 meters so the runners could break out firearms and start shooting.

 

Curling

 

I wrote this article only to reach this moment.

Has anyone on ever actually watched a curling match on purpose?

Yeah, I don’t think so either.

I had to even check on Wikipedia to understand the rules because as I mentioned earlier at my job we are required to watch the Winter Olympics.

Googling curling worked out fine because according to Wikipedia curling is awesome.

Check it out what it says.

‘A great deal of strategy and teamwork choosing the ideal path and placement of a stone for each situation, the skills of the curlers determine how close to the desired result the stone will achieve.

Curling is like Chess on ice’.

Curling is something (note I wrote something because I refuse to call it sport) that revolved around people screaming while wearing children’s roller shoes and furiously shaking brooms around a rock.

Sorry Wikipedia, this is not Chess on ice.

 

 

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