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GameInformer Magazine

 

Resident Evil movies are better than the games

 

In my humble opinion the Resident Evil movies are the most successful video game movie series ever made.

Some gamers complain about the movies but I love the movies and have powerful reasons.

 

Gamers are not allowed to criticize movies

 

In 1996 Resident Evil games and their fans surrendered any right to criticize any moving image with the worst intro movie ever made.

Back then people were still excited about full motion videos and you’d swear that Resident Evil was trying to warn them that it would never get better.

If you didn’t watch that clip I’m not going to ruin the blissful ignorance you’ve wisely earned.

But let’s just say that people have looked tougher than this grizzled action hero while losing on Cake Wars.

 

The movies have a better plot

 

The first complaint gamers have about the movies is that they don’t follow the plot of the games.

Of course they don’t, the movies aren’t nine hours long and even if they were, eight hours of watching people slowly fetch pointless objects while avoiding shambling bodies isn’t cinema.

The plot of Resident Evil games is dumb.

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In fact the plot of the original games got so stupid that even the games dumped most of it, restarting in Resident Evil 4.

 

Sequel strategy

 

The games had nine different kinds of virus and parasite.

It’s like they got confused about whether people were playing because they liked to shoot zombies or because they were interested in virologist fan fiction.

Since any one of the viruses in the game can apparently do anything, it’s more pointless replication of terrible things than the Kardashian family.

Bizarrely, the movies are better at rebooting between levels than the computer games.

The movies approach sequels like tank combat.

The old one blows up, so you make the new one bigger and even more awesome.

Anything that could have complicated the story is blown up at the start of the next movie.

The movies are incredibly and stupid but they work.

Each Resident Evil movie makes more money than the one before, which is exactly the kind of exponential profit from disasters the Umbrella Corporation would have been going for all this time.

The movies get terrible reviews but are a huge amount of fun.

And I think that we should admit that the games were the exact opposite.

 

Movies don’t waste as much time as games

 

Fans of the game have complained that the movies are lowbrow, and yes, they are clinically incapable of going five minutes without doing something awesomely stupid.

At least they’re doing something.

Games use more padding to keep people stuck than Arkham Asylum, and the contents make less sense.

Most of the games are one part zombies to 20 parts fetch quest.

Resident Evil 2 has you placing a unicorn medal in the police station foyer fountain statue so it can pour you a key.

The quests have less than no explanation and the result is trawling endless narrow corridors full of undead and picking up anything you find because those are the only paths you can follow.

Just like a Pac Man.

 

 

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the world must know the truth!

 

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Los Angeles Times

 

Zombie fiction doesn’t make any sense

 

I love zombie movies.

However, there are several points about zombie fiction that my mind refuses to acknowledge.

I watch a lot of zombie movies, always with different people, and these same details no one wants to explain to me because ‘it’s just fiction’ they said.

I secretly still want to understand some points.

 

Zombies never ever finish their meal

 

Let’s make an example.

Our movie opens with something pleasant.

Milla Jovovich dressed in mildly inappropriate fashion.

Immediately a zombie runs out of nowhere and ‘bwaaggh blarr gwaaahggg’ try to eat someone’s head.

The biggest problem for a non-zombie is becoming a zombie and zombies are driven only by base hunger.

So if all they want to do is eat you, why are there so many zombies around?

 

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Shouldn’t cities in movies be full of skeletons all over the place and such?

That would make sense for me.

 

Where does the food go?

 

I don’t understand the simple problem of zombie biology.

If they consume flesh, it needs to go somewhere.

World War Z made reference to their stomachs exploding but no one on camera has addressed it.

Why is this question important?

It’s about a fictional world in which the primary danger to the very existence of humans as a species is a thing that uses eating as its chief weapon.

There should be a stunning amount of zombie poop all over the world, shouldn’t?

 

The cure

 

The Walking Dead has brought this up a number of times and it was a big part of the 28 Days Later: can you cure a zombie?

Of course you’d want to get rid of whatever it is that makes you a zombie but after you die, start eating people and been shot a few times, maybe it’s better leave it as it is.

I clearly don’t understand why the zombie apocalypse instills so much new faith in medical science in cures them.

 

Zombies chase the most dangerous food

 

When we are hungry we have lots of choices, so why don’t zombies?

I like the idea of be a zombie in general but of all the things you could mindlessly eat, why choose people?

And if they prefer to eat people, why don’t they eat each other?

How they know who is already a zombie?

I remember that the movie ‘Shaun of the Dead’ they suggested that just acting like a zombie was enough to getting past them.

I like to think that if I were a zombie I’d just spend my existence eating oreo and goldfish.

 

 

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the world must know the truth!

 

 


 

 

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Newsweek

 

Zombie apocalypse is around the corner

 

On some instinctual level all humans know it’s just a matter of time until the zombies show up.

Our culture is full of tales of the undead walking the Earth from our religions to our comic books and there are several proofs that zombie apocalypse is not far from happening.

Toxoplasmosa

 

Does exist a living creature named toxoplasmosa that literally takes over rats brains and program them to be eaten by cats.

Half the human population on Earth is infected with toxoplasmosa and don’t know it so if you want to know if you’re one of them, flip a coin.

Infected people see a change in their personality and have a high chance of going insane.

Humans and rats aren’t all that different that’s why science uses them to test our medicines so it only takes is a more evolved version of toxoplasmosa to start the zombie invasion.

Neurotoxins

They are a certain kind of poison that slow your bodily functions to the point that you’ll be considered dead.

Victims that take those drugs remain in a trance state with no memory but are still able to perform simple tasks like eating, sleeping and moaning.

 

neurotoxin

This has happened in Haiti and there’s where the word zombie comes from.

Zombielike Ghoul was a Haitian guy who was declared dead by two doctors and buried in 1962 and found wandering around the village 18 years later.

Landowners were also founded using chemicals to zombify people and putting them to work on the sugar plantations.

The next time you’re pouring sugar into your coffee remember that it may have been handled by a zombie.

 

Neurogenesis

This is a method by which doctors re grow dead brain tissue.

When a patient clinically die and they reanimate him, what they do is just giving life only to the part that controls basic motor function.

Now, combining neurogenesis and reanimation, people will never die and since humans don’t need the cortex to survive, clinically dead people will soon still be able to walk, eat and watch The Big Bang Theory.

Just like when chickens can keep walking around after they’ve been beheaded.

Our goal is to be responsible; we don’t want to create panic.

All we’re saying is that on an actual day on the actual calendar in the near future, microscopic nanobots will end civilization by flooding the planet with the cannibalistic undead.

 

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the world must know the truth!

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